I doubt I’m alone in that reality.  I believe, regardless of how it may or may not be expressed on the outside, we all have a very natural and visceral reaction to judgement from others (feel free to exchange the word criticism anywhere you see “judgement”).  I also believe that these judgements – whether real or imagined – have a tremendous impact on our lives, how we live, what we do, what we don’t, how we relate and most importantly, who we are.

I’m not only sensitive to judgement when I’m the target, but I also find myself strongly resistant to it when I observe others as the target.  Lately, I’ve had an increased noticing of how much judgement appears in my Facebook News Feed.  (Interestingly, as I write this post, and go back and review my timeline, I’m discovering something interesting…  it’s not that I have a lot of friends on Facebook that are writing updates full of judgement of others – it’s just a couple, really – but my reaction to just these few, cause me to feel like I have a constant feed of negativity.  Interesting.)

The paradox here is that my own resistance to an individual judging someone else and updating their Facebook status with it, is in fact a judgement upon them.  Why oh why does this happen???

We all judge because of our ego.

Our ego, which stems from the newer parts of our brains, the neo-cortex, is always striving for separation, difference, superiority.  To our ego, it’s not just enough to survive… we must triumph, we must surpass.  All of this, in an effort to self identify as divided or detached from everything else.  And, if our ego’s meet up in some way, you can always expect some kind of drama, because both of them will not settle, until they feel they’ve risen to the top.* When that isolation and separation is clear, our ego feels safe, unthreatened, and we can go on with our day.  Our ego fills us with stories and illusion – none of it true.  However, at the very least…

Learn the lesson your ego is teaching.

What is the lesson?  It’s usually pretty easy to learn.  Here’s the simple truth, repeat after me:

What I judge in others, I fear most within myself.

Just as one example, I am clearly sensitive to others’ judgements, and my real desire is for them to stop.  Guess what I have to acknowledge, deep down, to be true within me?  As hard as it is to admit… I am intensely judgmental and critical.  Interestingly, I notice a deeper truth here, which is important.  The judgements I suffer from most of all, are my own.  The judgement I cast upon myself, is where all of this resistance is sourced.  What I really want is for me to stop judging myself.  And I fear that it will continue.

What are you judging, or criticizing?  How does that translate into what is really true for you?  What is it that you most fear within yourself?

This is a truly enlightening process.  I’d love to hear your thoughts below.  And if you find yourself in a pattern of judging others on something, but aren’t sure how that translates into what’s true for you, send me a note… perhaps I can ask some questions that will open a door, turn on a light, or clear a path to find out.

Okay… so, it’s all well and good to become aware of what’s really going on here.  But, what do we do about it?  If this is all sourced from the ego, and we all have one, and you can’t just get rid of it, and it continues to show up, how do we heal?  What’s the answer?

The answer is love.

The answer will always be love.  It always has been.  Love is all there is.  >>>queue John Lennon, “All we need is love!  Da da da da daaaa.”<<<  Always return to love.  Love is about oneness.  Love is open.  It’s receptive.  It’s curious.  Love is uncertain.  Love is interested.  Love is from source.  And love is what we really are.  Our ego’s will challenge this frequently, because if love is all these things, it leaves little room for ego.

So, when you feel judgement bubbling forth, how you you bring in love?  How do you put love into action in that moment?

“What would love have me do?”

That’s a pretty fucking magical question.  (If you resist that word I just used…  it’s time to ask the question.)   It really is.  And our first inclination will be to apply it to the other person… that’s our ego, again, protecting itself.  Just ask the question… listen sincerely to your heart, and notice what comes up.  Also, notice that there is no self-judgement or resistance here either.  Asking this question does not stifle or resist our ego.  It accepts you exactly as you are, and gives you the opportunity to choose – your next thought, feeling, action, expression, etc.

So, in my situation, what would love have me do?  One thing I’ve done already, which is to accept only “important updates” from the individuals on Facebook.  Next, love would have me be gentle with myself in my own head/heart, realizing that I’m okay just as I am, and allowing me room to be just as I am.  Also, I will continue to work through mental maps, belief systems and habits that support my current thoughts, and those that will facilitate more abundant thoughts grounded in love.

So, the original question in the post title was, “Who Are You – Beyond the Judgment?”  Whoever you are, and wherever you go, there is love waiting for you.

*Side lesson from a prior paragraph:  Do you have a lot of drama in your life?  If so, that’s a clear signal that egos are present.  Not just the other person’s, either.  Can you identify how your ego is involved?  What would it be like for you, if you could surrender that part of you?  What do you resist?  There is a way to stop the drama.  If you would like to talk more about how… send me a note.

P.S.:  If you’re perhaps asking yourself, “I wonder if it was my Facebook updates he was referring to?”, the next question you could ask yourself would be, “What would love have me do?”  Works. Every. Time.

How tightly are you holding on?

You’re trying so hard to reach your goals.  Maybe you’re trying to grow your business, trying diligently to acquire new clients.  Perhaps you’re trying to save your marriage.  Maybe you’re looking to fall in love.  Maybe you’re trying to get the kids to school on time or trying to keep the laundry up.  Or, like many, maybe you’re trying to get in shape, lose weight, or get that elusive six-pack.

How’s it going?

You may feel like, despite all the best efforts, regardless of all the trying, even with all the heart and soul you’ve put into it…  the business is generating half the revenue you need, there are far too few new clients, the marriage is failing, you haven’t found love, the kids are late, the laundry is behind, you’re overweight.

Okay… it’s probably not that bad.  But at least one of those is probably true for you.

All you want is for it to be fixed.  You see other people getting what you want.  You think to yourself, “They are awesome, sure, but so am I.  They’re deserving, sure!  But so am I.”  And yet, you feel like you’re not getting what you want.  You’ve tried the best practices.  You’ve researched what others have done, and you’ve tried the tricks, read the highest rated books, utilized all the time-management tools you can think of, and joined the gym, done the diet, even did a colon cleanse in an effort to get some kind of a result.  (That last one worked, by the way… you were in the bathroom for what seemed like days.  Not exactly the “result” you were hoping for.  I get it.)

It’s not working.  You try and try.  And still…. it’s not working.

This might be a curveball…. but… What if you’re holding on too tight?  What if you’ve got your eyes set on a goal that isn’t actually what you want?

Do you need to let go?

What would happen if you were able to let go of the idea of achieving that goal?

What if that goal wasn’t what you really wanted?  What if you really wanted something else?  What could that be?  How do you tell?

Ask yourself, “If I _____________ (fill in the blank with your goal), what would be different?”

The answer to that question is more likely what you really want.

As long as you’re holding tightly to your current goal…  you narrow the opportunities to get it.

Letting go is so incredibly difficult.  Doing so frees us in amazing ways.

Let go of narrow goals to achieve things that won’t get you what you really want.

Let go of beliefs that aren’t true.

Let go of holding only one perspective.

Let go of being right.

Let go of having to know.

Let go of being secure all the time.

Letting go means getting curious.  And true curiosity is a tool that will take you to places you haven’t even imagined yet.

Hold on just like a baby…  gently.  And let go like a baby… easily.  Look at the world in wonderment.

What do you need to let go of?

We’ve all been there.  And we’ve all reached out to someone during each of those times.  Who did you reach out to?  Were they on your team?  Really… was it a friend, or someone on your team?  Was it a family member, or were they really on your team?  There’s an important distinction.  What could it mean to you?

The Concept of Having a Team

A team is generally defined as a number of people sharing some joint action.  We see teams frequently in sports, and you might even be a part of a team in your career.  Teams are usually able to accomplish more together than any one of the individuals could have achieved on their own.  This is called synergy.  When you think about it, there are teams literally everywhere.  Governments are made of teams, families are teams, and each of our individual cells all have “teams” involved, making them work.  Even the simplest of structures… the Atom… has a team working in it – a team made up of a certain number of protons, neutrons and electrons – and the make-up of the team determines its role.  It’s safe to say that teams are a core part of how the Universe works.

Most people would naturally define their team as, “family, friends, &/or co-workers, etc.”.  These are the people who fall into that role by default.  Who else would make up your team, right?   The source of your team members is not in questions, but the method by which they became a part of your team and more importantly, the role they play on your team, requires inquiry.  You might be thinking to yourself, “Method?  What method?  I don’t have a method, they just are.  You don’t pick your family.  You don’t often pick your co-workers, right? And they play the role they play… what do I have to do with that?”  This is precisely the point.

There is no method.  There are no roles.

Having no method, no roles, means there is little to no thought about it.  This means that the people on your “team” are there by default and operate by default.  How many sports teams would ever win if the team was put together with no thought, no strategy, no methodology and no one had an assigned role?  Zero.  What happens when, at the cellular level, yours or my cells stray from their designated strategic roles or they bundle together with a different methodology than originally intended?  Deformity or maybe even cancer?

The lesson is that teams put together without a conscious strategy and purposeful thought aren’t going to help us get what we want.  That seems like a pretty big gamble considering we only have so much time here to have a life with impact and meaning.  And it seems rather unfortunate, when we actually do have a choice regarding who is on our team.  Unfortunately, very few people have a personal team built consciously, purposefully and with clear intent.

Have you built a personal team?

The concept of creating or defining a personal team was introduced to me by a friend and fellow coach, Sarah Shah.  It’s a concept that can radically change your experience as you pursue big things in life.  It will be instrumental in getting what you want, and will also aid in eliminating much of the drama, reducing negative emotion, freeing you from being stuck, and propelling you forward at a much quicker rate.

So, what’s a personal team, if it’s not simply your family, friends and co-workers?

A Team’s True Purpose

A team helps you grow, sometimes in the most unlikely places. They know how to push without pushing you over the edge, and to develop the roots to keep you grounded.

A team is a carefully and consciously constructed group, put together with the precise intent of achieving an objective in a unified, effective and supportive manner.  The ultimate objective is set by the identified leader with the support of the team.

With this in mind, we can add a few new thoughts, as it relates to the concept of a personal team.  A personal team is a group of individuals carefully and consciously selected by you, put together with the precise intent of helping you to get what you really want in a way that aligns with your values, is congruent with your priorities and supportive of who you want to be as a person.  Your personal team  provide the following:

• They remain free of their own agenda
• They are in true service to you and each other when called upon to play
• They help you get and remain clear about what you want
• They don’t get wrapped up in your story
• They stay aware, notice, listen
• They acknowledge
• They give feedback
• They celebrate along with you

This is what a personal team is all about.  If one or more of these elements are missing from any member of your team, it’s like trying to cross a lake in a boat filled with holes.  And, the vast majority of people around you – I can assure you – don’t fit this description.  I’ll even go out on a limb and guess that…

Chances are, you have a pretty shitty team.

That is a difficult thing to put in writing.  I realize I may piss some people off by saying that.  You’re probably pretty attached to your friends, family and co-workers.  But, I’m okay with that.  I’m more interested in you getting what you really want.  Understand, however, that I am not saying they are shitty people.  I’m just saying the people you consider as members of your team probably don’t really fit the description above.  If they have their own agenda, don’t help you get or keep clear, get wrapped up in your story, or worse yet, wrap you up in their story, etc., the fact is – they make shitty team members.  So, I want to challenge you to make a list of those people you consider as your team, and give some consideration to whether or not they belong on your team.

For Those Who Don’t Make the Team

What if you find that a friend, partner, spouse or co-worker doesn’t belong on your  team?  Don’t worry. Your relationship with them doesn’t have to change, only what you communicate with them about does.  What this means is that you no longer utilize them as support to get what you want.  This doesn’t mean they can’t support you, but you will not be looking to them as that support.  Whereas in the past, you may have sought their input on your goals, feedback on a decision, someone to bounce an idea off of… now, you’ll just talk about stuff other than those things.  It’s a lot more simple than you might think.  There are plenty of other things to dish about, laugh at, comment on and get wrapped up in.  Talk about that stuff.  And if they throw their two cents in about something you’re doing (by the way, this actually reinforces that they’re not qualified to be on your team), don’t resist, don’t react.  What I often do it say, “Hmmm, maybe!” Or, “You could be right.”  And another great response that works wonders is simply saying, “Hmmmm, I don’t know.”  One of these responses will no doubt fit the situation, allow you to acknowledge the other as having made a statement or asked a question, and dignifies them as having attempted to contribute, without you having to truly engage in it.  And, it doesn’t make the other person wrong in the process, which keeps the relationship in tact.

Are you struggling with the person you have in mind not qualifying for your team?  Maybe you’re thinking, “But it’s my spouse!  I love them!  How can my own spouse not be on my team?”  Let’s be clear.  Just because someone isn’t on your “team”, doesn’t mean you don’t love them.  It just means they are not the best person to help you get what you want.  This is actually quite common.  That’s one reason why coaches are able to get such great results with their clients – a coach (I might throw out a distinction – a good coach) is someone who fits the description above – this is the kind of person who is truly on your team.  It’s extremely challenging for family and best friends to be on your team if for no other reason than they often have their own agendas.  Personal agendas of friends and family members are really challenging to set aside.  What you do, the choices you make, and who you are may deeply impact them in one or more ways, which may influence them and therefore they pick up their own agenda, which disqualifies them from being on your team.  If they remain on the team, it becomes warped and can derail you from getting what you really want.  Not qualifying for your team doesn’t make them less, or wrong, or bad.  Are you seeing the difference?

This is probably a good time to mention that it’s unnecessary to tell people who is on your team, and who is not.  Most people don’t understand what a real personal team is anyway, so it wouldn’t make sense to them.  And, if they aren’t on your team, but they are close to you, it would probably really hurt their feelings.  (By the way, their feelings being hurt is another clear indication that they get wrapped up in story, aren’t truly in service to you, and carry their own agenda – their reaction would disqualify them anyway.  Funny how that works.)

For Those Who Do Make the Team

Your team doesn't have to try to support you - they just do. Like a boat in water, fully supported, and the water never even tries.

If you have one or more people who clearly fit the qualifications mentioned above, congratulations!  Now, you can be more purposeful about how you utilize them as a member of your team.  It doesn’t have to be anything formal.  They won’t even know they are members of your personal team.  You may share your “personal team” concept to them privately if you feel the need, letting them know what it means to you, but I don’t always recommend it.  The only action you need to take at this point is to ensure that these individuals are the ones you go to as you pursue big goals.  These are the ones you engage as support when you’re stuck, when you need clarity, when you’re tangled in your own ‘stuff’ or story, when you feel fear, want to make a big decision or carve a new path. If they really qualify as members of your team, it’s likely they won’t need to be told how to support you, but doing so may help them give you the support you really need.

If You Don’t Have a Personal Team, You’re Playing a Small Game

You don’t need a team to put salt on your scrambled eggs.  That’s a small enough “game” you can go it alone.  You also probably don’t need much of a team to keep doing what you’ve been doing.  How do I know?  Cuz you’re doing it already.

You need a team when you’re ready to play a BIG game – a game that’ll change everything.  And by “game”, I mean being, doing and getting what you really want in your personal life, professional life, business, philanthropic efforts… you name it… you can leverage your team in one or all aspects of your life.  You need a team when, what you really want

Go BIG. A strong personal team will help you get there.

to do, scares the pants off you.  When you think about going after what you’re really passionate about and the thought of it seems impossible, but you realize it’s what you were put here to do – that’s when you need a team.  When you’re ready to get to what’s next; when you’re determined to do something that makes a difference; when you decide to truly made a contribution; when you decide that you can’t just sit there and accept your current situation anymore – now you need a team.

And if you feel that the only game you’re qualified to play is a small one – maybe you need a team then, too – a team that’ll kick your ass, ‘cuz you have way more potential than that, and you know it.  I know it.  They’ll know it.

If you have a team, make sure they’re qualified.

If you don’t have a team, get one.

If you still aren’t sure or need help identifying your personal team, call me.

Your own personal team draft starts…………. Now.

(Leave a thought or comment about this post below.  Your thoughts are deeply appreciated.  As a thanks for doing so, I’ll send you a very special gift – a 1-page Manifesto I’ve just created which includes 11 keys & 8 principles that will help you create the joy, fulfillment and awesomeness you desire in every moment.)

It’s one of those things you do when you’re in business.  You’ve probably done lots of it, some of it successful, some of it not so much; although that “success” might depend on how you define “marketing”.  This is important because, being clear about what marketing is and isn’t (is/n’t) is key to making your marketing efforts really count.

Here’s the scenario…

You decide to do some “marketing”.  You settle on a wine tasting, inviting a couple key clients and asking them to bring along friends, so you have a group of no more than eight individuals.  You hope to invite 2 client couples and have them bring another couple each.

You set it all up, do the inviting, and execute the event.  At the event, both the clients and their friends show up.  They all were very nice, the evening was engaging, and you felt like you connected with everyone pretty well.  Your clients even bragged on you a bit, which was unexpected, but very cool.  You also made arrangements to send each person a bottle of wine after the event as a follow-up and thank you.  A week or so later, you even received thank you cards from both prospect couples who each said how deeply they appreciated the evening.

And as the weeks go by, you occasionally remind yourself how surprised you were that the prospects at your wine tasting never met with you.  You might even have called the clients to inquire and hear nothing but raves about the night.  But, what you really wanted was for those prospects to call and set an appointment so you could really see if you could help them.  But you were never able to connect with them.  And this is especially frustrating because they were really qualified prospects.  They fit squarely into your preferred client model.

As time goes on, and you think about doing additional marketing, you consistently axe the thought of doing more wine tastings.  Why?  Because they don’t work, and you’re not going to waste your time, effort and money on marketing that doesn’t work.

Sound familiar?

This can be so frustrating!  But was it really the marketing that failed?  What if it wasn’t the marketing, but something else that went “wrong”?  Would that change your perspective?  Here is, perhaps, a new thought…

Marketing is not the same as client acquisition.

So, if marketing is not client acquisition, what is it?

Marketing is the act of sharing your message to a qualified audience so that, when they hear it, they feel connected, like you’re speaking their name.

Marketing is connection.

If you share your message with a prospect that is in your target market in a meaningful way – your marketing is successful.

So, in our example before… the marketing was extremely successful.  There were qualified prospects, the evening made an impact, and you (or in this case, your clients) were able to share your message.  There’s nothing wrong with this marketing event.  If connection is the goal… goal achieved.

The challenge in the scenario above, is identifying what needs to happen next time so that the connection causes action.

Time after time, professionals do marketing activity that is getting them in front of all the right people, and because the people aren’t taking action, they stop the marketing.  This is a case of changing the wrong thing.  It’s like getting a flat tire while driving down the road, and then stopping to change the oil, thinking that will cause a smoother ride.

Some key questions to ask yourself:

• How have you been measuring your marketing success?
• Are you really connecting during your marketing?  And how do you know?
• If you’re not connecting?  What could you do differently to make a difference?

And the final question….

What will you do now?

If you would like to inquire about working on this, first see if this page connects with you.

With love.

All our lives, we seem to be told by everyone from our parents, teachers, friends and society in general that it’s not okay to be you.

We’re told we need more.

We’re told we’re not enough.

We’re told we have to be (or not be) a certain way.

We’re given a message that says we aren’t really acceptable.

We sense that it feels unsafe to be us.

And so we begin to live a life that seems to be somehow, not “ours” at all, because we’re not going after what we really want, in a way that represents our true selves.

It’s time to learn, believe and live a new message.

I’m here today to tell you:

It IS okay to be you.

You don’t need to be, do or have anything more.  You ARE enough.

You don’t have to be or avoid being anything but yourself.  Be you… that’s your greatest gift.

There is a place to feel safe being you.  Find that place and live there.  (Hint: it’s inside of you… but others can help.)

Live your life as YOU… own it.  Go after what you really want – as who you really are.  You’ve earned it.

The world needs you just as you really are.  In reality… you’re like an angel.  Remember that.

Finding out how starts here.  Or, you can start by connecting with ActualInfinity on Facebook – see the link to the right.

Photo courtesy of !borghetti

I’ve been coughing up a storm the past week.  Nothing super exciting like I’m gunna cough up a lung or something.  Just a boring, dry, uneventful cough.

It made me lose my voice.  That’s when the fun began.

Most of us have experienced losing our voice at some point or another.  It dramatically impacts how we go about our day.  Suddenly, without the ability to easily communicate our needs, wants and desires, we begin to get creative.

Hands start flailing around as if we’re playing charades.  It looks like we have other issues.

We use extremely obtuse enunciation with our mouth, lips and tongue, to try and turn everyone else into lip-readers, when it really just makes us look like we have a piece of popcorn stuck in our throat.

We begin to write what we want to say down.  This makes us realize how damn much we talk because it takes close to three minutes to write down what we could have said in 10 seconds.

And then we start to whisper.  This makes people nervous because they don’t know why we’re standing so close to them….. whispering.

So… the funniest (and illuminating) things happened…

Lesson at the Salon

I wanted to get my hair cut so I had to go out and interact with the public.  It was kind of awkward because usually during a haircut, you banter back and forth with the stylist.  In my case, I sat there typing into my phone what I wanted to say.  Usually, halfway through my sentence, my stylist knew where I was going and responded. (My stylist, Drew, at Zea Salon in Lakeview, Chicago, is awesome, by the way.)

I thought to myself, “Do people do that when we talk?”  I bet we do.  And you know what that means?

We aren’t really listening.  Not fully.

Lesson 1: Our mental chatter while someone else is talking is no different than if we just opened our mouth and interrupted them.  Might as well; we’re not really listening anyway.  ACTION:  Stop talking – inside and out – and see what can be learned.

Lesson from the Volunteer

As I was walking down the street after my haircut, there were some volunteers from Walmart trying to pass out reusable Walmart branded shopping bags.  Turns out there was a new Walmart Express that opened around the corner and they were trying to create awareness.

The friendly lady asked, “Would you like a reusable shopping bag?  It has three goodies inside, just for you!”  I pointed to my throat, and whispered, “No thank you!  I lost my voice!”  I suppose I wanted to respond to her, but also explain why I was whispering.  She responded with a smile, “Oh, ok then!” – in a whisper!  She even crouched her head down and shrugged her shoulders a bit… as if she was hiding, or being sneaky.

As I walked away from her, I laughed for several minutes.  I’m sure it would have been audible, had I not lost my voice.  It was so freakin’ funny to see her respond in kind.  But it also got me thinking…

People mimic us in subtle ways.

Lesson 2: It’s so important to be conscious and intentional about what we’re “putting out there” – our energy, tone, cadence, verbal and non-verbal cues, expression, appearance, etc.  People will mimic you.  In a sales conversation, this means you being everything you wish your prospects to be – confident, receptive, clear and ready.  In a relationship, it’s the same – be what you want to see.  ACTION: Be more conscious of my state of being during connection with others.  Assess how I’m being, with what I’m receiving.  Ask – same of different?  Then readjust if I desire a different experience.

Lesson from Three Homeless People

As I journeyed to and from the salon, I encountered, on three separate occasions, homeless people asking for change.  I wasn’t carrying any cash, so I was unable to help them with their request. I don’t often just ignore people though. I at least want to acknowledge their existence in some way.  So, I responded to each of them.  The dialogue was identical in all three interactions.  Here’s how each went down:

Them: “Spare some change?” or “Can you help?” as they shake a cup with change, hoping for more to be dropped in.

Me: (pointing to my throat and shrugging my shoulders) I mouth the following words, “I don’t have a voice. Sorry.”

Them: “Oh, I’m so sorry.”

Their response was equally sincere, caring and genuine.

I acknowledged their presence, their aliveness, their humanity, by demonstrating I heard them, and responding to them, and looking them in the eye.  However, what I said didn’t have anything having to do with their request. I went in a completely different direction.  Amazingly, so did they.  They followed my lead.  As if being voiceless has anything to do with sharing a quarter.  But I was sincere, passionate and authentic.  For just a moment, it wasn’t about them… it was about me.

People want to be led.  People want to care about something.

Lesson 3: People will follow where you lead.  They will respond to your authenticity and sincerity.  People want something to believe in, something they can feel something about, and something that takes them outside of themselves.  For that split second, me not having a voice was something different, unfortunate and outside of themselves.  I wonder if it gave those three amazing people something to care about, instead of needing to be cared for – for just a split second?  ACTION: Find more ways to serve the needs of others.  Find ways to contribute, instead of searching for contribution.

I learned some amazing things yesterday when I couldn’t talk.  I’m going to experiment with this more – even when I can talk.

Image by uncbaseballgirl

A week or so ago, I wrote a post entitled, “Come Out to the Meadow“.   A great illustration about connection in relationships and business. I want to focus this illustration on business, as if you are inviting your clients out to your meadow.  Of course, your meadow is within the embrace of your business, where clients are intimately working with you, not just as client, but as a fully engaged participant, an eager advocate for you, even a bold evangelist for what you do.

If you invited your clients to fully join you in your meadow, how many would join you?

Having clients in the meadow is where the magic happens.

What does it take to get clients in your meadow?

The first step in this process is one that is often overlooked because it is assumed to already be taking place.

First, you have to be in the meadow.

Duh.

It seems like a “duh”… but not so fast.

There’s a huge difference between physically being in the meadow, or your business, and being fully there – every part of you – the physical, emotional, mental and even spiritual parts of you.

Let’s take a quick look at a couple self-analysis questions to assess your presence in these areas:

Physical
- Are you working in your business – all parts of it – at some level, so you really know what’s going on?
- Are you putting in enough time?  Are you putting in too much time?  How do you know what the “right” amount is?

Emotional
- What are the top five emotional states you spend your time in day to day?  Are those the states you wish to experience?
- Do questions of your own value, worth, ability, or confidence bubble up from time to time?  How do you handle this?

Mental
- What is your self talk minute by minute, day by day?  What are you telling yourself?
- What is your methodology for strategic thinking time in your business?

Spiritual
- Why are you doing what you’re doing?
- What is your life vision and how does your business fit in?

Those questions just begin to touch the surface of your fully showing up in your business or meadow.

But how do you know you’re really there?

You’re “there” when you can acknowledge and recognize who you really are.

This is about standing in your strength, without judgement, and organically settling into your own unique, realistic magnificence.

The tools of acknowledgment and recognition will help you to remember who you really are.  If that person is not in the meadow – your clients won’t can’t meet you there.

Clients can’t follow where you don’t lead.

How do you get clients to follow you into the meadow?  Stay tuned.

You may recall in the Disney movie “Bambi”, it is a very dangerous thing to go to the meadow.  Why?  That’s where you’re most vulnerable, most exposed.  It takes courage, trust, faith, awareness and presence to venture out on the meadow.  It also takes an enormous amount of strength.  That’s why Bambi was cautioned about venturing out onto the meadow – at the time, little Bambi didn’t have many of these qualities.

So, when I asked my friend what he was really looking for in a relationship, he said,

“I want someone who will come out to the meadow with me.”

I thought it was a beautiful way to express the concept.  In a relationship, it takes a special kind of trust to be so vulnerable, so exposed.  It takes great courage to venture out in the open like that.  It takes faith that the other has your best interests at heart.  It takes awareness to understand what we’re leaving behind in the woods, yet why it’s so important to do so.  It also takes personal strength and inner confidence. However, coming out to the meadow speaks volumes about the relationship, it’s foundation and it’s potential.  Out on the meadow, your insecurities are magnified, your vulnerabilities are on display.  And it’s out on the meadow that your strength of character is tested, demonstrated and proven.

How do you “come out to the meadow” in your relationships?  What scenarios cause you to stay on the fringe of the meadow, or remaining in the forest?  How do you invite others out to the meadow?  Are you truly comfortable there?  What does your partner need to feel comfortable joining you on the meadow?

In personal relationships, I believe “the meadow” is a very special place – one few couples visit frequently.

Is there a “meadow” in your business relationships?

If your business is about connecting with others and making a difference in their lives, there most definitely is.

Can you relate the illustration to your business?  Can you picture those clients who have “come out to the meadow” with you?  Can you imagine those clients who stand on the fringe of the “meadow”, or those who won’t even leave the forest?  They all exist within your client base.  And your list of prospects are all in the forest.

What causes one client to come out on the “meadow” with you, and another client to stay within the security of their forest?  And, what can you do to get more clients or prospects “out on the meadow” with you?

I will be writing a multiple-part series on this concept.  First, I’d love to hear your thoughts.

What does having a client “out on the meadow” with you mean to you?  How do you know they’re “out on the meadow” with you?  And if they’ve joined you, why did they do so?  What did they do?  What did you do, or not do?

Stay tuned.  We’ll carve a clear path to the meadow in the coming days.

Photo: Thomas Hawk

We are all making a tremendous journey through our lives.  There is no one like you.  There is no one like me.  Each of us are the only ones who can bring what we bring to our lives, our families, our businesses.  You are what makes you special.  It’s all about you.

Except that it’s not all about you.

No matter how amazing our story is, not one of us has a story that is told in isolation.

We didn’t get here alone.  

I was reading an article from someone I admire, Corbett Barr, on his brand new website called [Expert Enough].  He wrote an article, “23 Incredibly Useful Insights to Becoming an Expert” wherein he interviewed 23 amazing people whom he respects about whether or not there are “shortcuts” to becoming an expert on any topic.  The contributions are insightful.  I encourage you to go take a look.

There is one thing that stands out above and beyond everything else, however.

We are who we are because the people we connect with give us the opportunity to demonstrate who we are.

If we engage other experts to help us get better at our craft, or if we engage someone in conflict because they think we smell – either way, we have the opportunity to demonstrate who we are.  We always have the choice to show up as our best self.  And, frankly, whether the connection is perceived as constructive or not, each connection sharpens us.

It’s beautiful to know that we didn’t get here alone.

When I think about the path I’ve travelled, and the many twists and turns that path has taken (see my personal blog) along with the people that gave me the room to figure it out, I couldn’t be more grateful.  Of course, I can’t mention everyone who has had an influence on my path, but there are a few specific people who have had a profound affect on my journey to actualinfinity.

I am grateful to me – for finding myself, having the courage to leave everything behind to bloom in authenticity and continuing to show up every day – to myself, my friends, and my clients as nothing more than Who I Am.

I am grateful to Eric Lejeune – for being a leader, a mentor, a friend, a coach and my biggest fan.  I am grateful you listen to my story without judgement, you refuse to give me your opinion (even when it pisses me off), and you model the discovery of incredible brilliance in what you do.  You inspire me. @strideus

I am grateful to Steve Wimber – for teaching me how to deal with conflict, having incredibly higher expectations of me than I had for myself, for being supportive of Who I Am, and for pushing me to the point I had no choice but to break free.

I am grateful to Sarah Shah – for demonstrating and sharing such profoundly quiet wisdom which lies within the unknown, for helping me find peace in “not knowing”, and for leading me to find myself within my own style. @sarahshah

I am grateful to Mattison Grey – for sharing lessons on clarity, lights, acknowledgment, receptivity and story, among others; for absolutely rocking the worlds of those who rock my world.  Credit must go where credit is due and some of my biggest life lessons over the past couple years have been most powerfully presented to me by you. @MattisonGrey

Each of you are part of my “It’s Not About Me” club.  I am so grateful I’m not the only member, for who would I be without you?

Who else is it about in your life or business?  Who has given you the room to demonstrate who you are?  Who’s in your “It’s Not About Me Club”?

Dogs are amazing in so many ways.  Second to none, however, must be a dogs unwavering love.  We’ve heard it before…

A dog will love you if you’re mad, sad, glad, depressed, busy, or sick.

A dog is always excited when you come home.

A dog never wants to see you leave.

A dog will accept you if you’re dressed funny.

A dog will pant and wag it’s tail even if your joke is really bad.

A dog will come to you to for a belly rub even if you just took it’s bone away for no good reason.

A dog will be your best friend even if you haven’t spoken to it in days.

A dog will even love you when you can’t find a way to love yourself.

It’s pretty amazing.  But how do they do it?

What’s missing from a dog’s perception is all the human shit.

A dog seems to reflect what most humans really want: love, peace and joy.  The cool thing is that the dog’s behaviors are clearly in line with it’s intention.  Humans… not so much.

Imagine what the life of a dog would be like if it judged, held grudges, held onto ego, was resentful, or cared what others thought.  What a different world it would be.  It’s the world of humans.   What if we, like dogs, let go of judgement, forgave freely, realized our oneness with others, and were truly comfortable in our own skin?  Wow it would be different, yes?

Dogs don’t tell themselves stories.

Humans do.  Try it.  Here’s a little experiment.  Next time you see someone, go stand really close to them and just stand there.  Watch them tell themselves a story in their head about what’s going on, about who you are, and what it means about who they are.  One things for sure.  Their state of mind will not remain the same.

Now try the same thing with a dog.  It might look at you or move, but it will be with wonderment… no story.  Totally different scenario.

What if we could be more like dogs in our relationships?  What would that be like?  What would it be like to try it for a day?

What if we could be more like dogs with our clients and business relationships?  What would happen if we treated vendors, service personell and customer service reps this way?  What if they treated us this way?

Acting like a dog just might help you get what you want.  Just don’t bite (or sniff inappropriately).