Who Are You – Beyond the Judgment?
I doubt I’m alone in that reality. I believe, regardless of how it may or may not be expressed on the outside, we all have a very natural and visceral reaction to judgement from others (feel free to exchange the word criticism anywhere you see “judgement”). I also believe that these judgements – whether real or imagined – have a tremendous impact on our lives, how we live, what we do, what we don’t, how we relate and most importantly, who we are.
I’m not only sensitive to judgement when I’m the target, but I also find myself strongly resistant to it when I observe others as the target. Lately, I’ve had an increased noticing of how much judgement appears in my Facebook News Feed. (Interestingly, as I write this post, and go back and review my timeline, I’m discovering something interesting… it’s not that I have a lot of friends on Facebook that are writing updates full of judgement of others – it’s just a couple, really – but my reaction to just these few, cause me to feel like I have a constant feed of negativity. Interesting.)
The paradox here is that my own resistance to an individual judging someone else and updating their Facebook status with it, is in fact a judgement upon them. Why oh why does this happen???
We all judge because of our ego.
Our ego, which stems from the newer parts of our brains, the neo-cortex, is always striving for separation, difference, superiority. To our ego, it’s not just enough to survive… we must triumph, we must surpass. All of this, in an effort to self identify as divided or detached from everything else. And, if our ego’s meet up in some way, you can always expect some kind of drama, because both of them will not settle, until they feel they’ve risen to the top.* When that isolation and separation is clear, our ego feels safe, unthreatened, and we can go on with our day. Our ego fills us with stories and illusion – none of it true. However, at the very least…
Learn the lesson your ego is teaching.
What is the lesson? It’s usually pretty easy to learn. Here’s the simple truth, repeat after me:
What I judge in others, I fear most within myself.
Just as one example, I am clearly sensitive to others’ judgements, and my real desire is for them to stop. Guess what I have to acknowledge, deep down, to be true within me? As hard as it is to admit… I am intensely judgmental and critical. Interestingly, I notice a deeper truth here, which is important. The judgements I suffer from most of all, are my own. The judgement I cast upon myself, is where all of this resistance is sourced. What I really want is for me to stop judging myself. And I fear that it will continue.
What are you judging, or criticizing? How does that translate into what is really true for you? What is it that you most fear within yourself?
This is a truly enlightening process. I’d love to hear your thoughts below. And if you find yourself in a pattern of judging others on something, but aren’t sure how that translates into what’s true for you, send me a note… perhaps I can ask some questions that will open a door, turn on a light, or clear a path to find out.
Okay… so, it’s all well and good to become aware of what’s really going on here. But, what do we do about it? If this is all sourced from the ego, and we all have one, and you can’t just get rid of it, and it continues to show up, how do we heal? What’s the answer?
The answer is love.
The answer will always be love. It always has been. Love is all there is. >>>queue John Lennon, “All we need is love! Da da da da daaaa.”<<< Always return to love. Love is about oneness. Love is open. It’s receptive. It’s curious. Love is uncertain. Love is interested. Love is from source. And love is what we really are. Our ego’s will challenge this frequently, because if love is all these things, it leaves little room for ego.
So, when you feel judgement bubbling forth, how you you bring in love? How do you put love into action in that moment?
“What would love have me do?”
That’s a pretty fucking magical question. (If you resist that word I just used… it’s time to ask the question.) It really is. And our first inclination will be to apply it to the other person… that’s our ego, again, protecting itself. Just ask the question… listen sincerely to your heart, and notice what comes up. Also, notice that there is no self-judgement or resistance here either. Asking this question does not stifle or resist our ego. It accepts you exactly as you are, and gives you the opportunity to choose – your next thought, feeling, action, expression, etc.
So, in my situation, what would love have me do? One thing I’ve done already, which is to accept only “important updates” from the individuals on Facebook. Next, love would have me be gentle with myself in my own head/heart, realizing that I’m okay just as I am, and allowing me room to be just as I am. Also, I will continue to work through mental maps, belief systems and habits that support my current thoughts, and those that will facilitate more abundant thoughts grounded in love.
So, the original question in the post title was, “Who Are You – Beyond the Judgment?” Whoever you are, and wherever you go, there is love waiting for you.
*Side lesson from a prior paragraph: Do you have a lot of drama in your life? If so, that’s a clear signal that egos are present. Not just the other person’s, either. Can you identify how your ego is involved? What would it be like for you, if you could surrender that part of you? What do you resist? There is a way to stop the drama. If you would like to talk more about how… send me a note.
P.S.: If you’re perhaps asking yourself, “I wonder if it was my Facebook updates he was referring to?”, the next question you could ask yourself would be, “What would love have me do?” Works. Every. Time.
I love how you brought the conversation to the most important part of all -- for that me that is. It's what Magnolia noticed as well. What would love have me do? How can I love those parts of me that are judging? How can I love those people who are judging me? Sometimes I can only do that from a lot of distance or after realizing how hurt they must be to be judging others so. It has me surrender further into my naked heart to love more fully. thanks for bringing this conversation so alive.
Steve, I think judgement for me has its roots in wanting to make my place secure in the world by comparison with others. I may not be doing perfectly, but at least I know I'm wiser/ more generous/ more enlightened/ cleverer/ more humble (etc, etc), than <em>that</em>. God bless you for untying the whole tangle in one fell swoop with 'what would love have me do?'