As precious humans, we make mistakes. All the time. And since we’re social creatures, we often make mistakes in our relationships with each other. I believe it is of great importance that we understand how to sincerely and effectively apologize as a critical part of being in healthy relationships with others.
It’s always been a comfort to me, in my understanding of the Divine, that since mistakes are a part of life, so is mercy. Just like there would be no understanding of the light without the darkness, no understanding of the concept of here if there was no there, the fact that we make mistakes helps us understand where we have room to grow, learn, and ultimately remind us that we are not Source. Also, and perhaps most important, mistakes give us an opportunity to experience the gifts of forgiveness, mercy, compassion, and grace.
There are all kinds of apologies, and it can be helpful to recognize them. They each have significant trademarks to them which, if we want to offer sincere and effective apologies, we’ll want to avoid.
The Forced Apology
Perhaps you can remember, as I can, the times when either we or someone else shared an apology that we knew was forced. I especially remember this, personally, when I was a child, and for whatever reason, I was forced by a parent, teacher, or someone else in authority to apologize for something that I didn’t feel responsible for. A short, curt, “sorry!” comes out, and that’s all that’s given. Ugh. Saying the word in that state of being is so painful.
The Backhanded Apology
The hallmark of this apology is the word “you” anywhere in the apologetic statement. We’ve all experienced the apology where, after someone’s bad behavior, the person offers what sounds like a sincere apology, but then blames you for making the mistake. Like, if a kid hits another kid, and then says, “I’m sorry you got hurt.” Or, when one partner in a relationship says one thing but does another, and when that confuses you, they say, “I’m sorry you misunderstood what I said.” These days, when everyone is offended by something, and in some cases there is increasing accountability, such as in the #metoo movement, we might see the backhanded apology look like, “I apologize for having offended you.”
The Dismissive Apology
This apology includes the word “if.” When the word “if” enters an apology, what happens is that the harm, hurt, or damage done is being questioned, diminished, or dismissed. This one might sound like, “I’m sorry if I hurt you.” If you say “if,” you haven’t heard, received, and believed the person(s) to whom you’re apologizing. This is a subtle, but real form of violence.
The Recycled Apology
This one, for me, is the most insidious, and I’ve seen several who are masterfully gifted at using this apology. This happens when the person behaves in a way that hurts, offends, or has some undesired outcome, and they recognize the truth of the outcome and impact of their behavior. So, seeing the outcome, they are moved with sadness, guilt, or remorse, to sincerely apologize, and they do. Avoiding the pitfalls of the Forced, Backhanded, and Dismissive Apologies, they offer up a sincerely expressed apology which is focused on their behavior, and their feelings about the outcomes, and usually a commitment is made to not make the same mistake, and occasionally some effort to make amends are offered. But then… nothing changes. There is no corrective action taken. Perhaps the amends are made, but there is zero effort to learn, fix, or address what caused the mistake in the first place, and inevitably, the same mistake is repeated and the cycle starts over.
An Apologetic Journey
There’s lots of conditioning that goes into why apologizing is so difficult. As a cis-gender male, I know my own conditioning from that perspective mainly, only some of which is that we’re told it conveys weakness, submissiveness, and uncertainty. All of that can be especially dangerous when navigating for power, control, and a sense of belonging. Apologizing has been a complicated part of my upbringing.
Over the years, I’ve had a number of different mentors from which I’ve learned a great deal on a range of topics, from leadership to spirituality. And the views on apologizing have varied to an equally vast degree.
When I was growing up, I learned that apologizing early was a good defense mechanism against further punishment. I was also indoctrinated with the teaching that meekness and humility was reflected in an apology, and that these were qualities that God wanted to me to cultivate. I also developed shame through my childhood and adolescence, and so I became adept at taking on responsibility, not only for my own emotion and behaviors, but for others emotions as well. I was responsible for everything – which required me to apologize a LOT, because there were a lot of unhappy people around me. Not a fun situation. But I was good at it.
Later on, a different, more “new-age” approach taught me that I wasn’t responsible for anything outside of myself, and how other people were affected by my behavior was “their business,” not mine. And so, why would I ever need to apologize, because if someone had a negative reaction to what I did, that was about them, not about me.
Even more recently, a different approach was brought to me when it was observed that apologies were very natural and easy for me, and I offered them quite frequently – especially when people we were serving were unsatisfied. I was told that apologies weren’t needed because no mistake was made. Just because people were complaining didn’t mean that we did something that required an apology. So, instead, I was instructed to acknowledge and empathize with their experience, but offer no apology.
All that I’ve shared so far only scratches the surface, of course. There are a hundred other ways that apologies work, and don’t work. Far too much for me to outline here. However, my purpose is not to do a deep dive on all things related to apologies, but instead to share the principles of apologies that I believe in and stand for.
My Four Principles around Apologies
- Apologies are only sincere when remorse, not blame, is the motivating factor.
- Apologies primarily serve the one who is apologizing, not those being apologized to.
- Apologies are something offered with no expectations. Acceptance and forgiveness are not inherent and if needed, can be requested specifically.
- Apologies are just empty words, unless they are paired with change.
Let’s Talk About Blame and Remorse
Blame is different than responsibility and accountability. Let’s say that a comedian doing standup uses a word that is, by societal standards, offensive.
Responsibility says, “You used a word that is offensive.”
Accountability says, “Because you use that offensive word, I will no longer come to your shows.”
Blame says, “You made me so angry when you used that word.”
When used appropriately, responsibility and accountability are healthy and needed. Blame is rarely healthy, needed, or true. In most circumstances, blame is an abdication of our own sovereignty. Only in more extreme neglectful, abusive, or oppressive situations Is someone blame worthy. And that’s a huge distinction – blame **worthy**. No one is to blame for how we feel, or our experience of events. Someone would be blame worthy when they have a car accident while driving intoxicated, or for contributing to the existence of some circumstance or situation.
As it relates to apologies, it’s important that the one apologizing has taken responsibility (which can arise naturally within, or from externally being held accountable or responsible) therefore feels remorse, which is the essential quality from which an apology arises. If the person is apologizing simply because they are being blamed, or got caught, then it’s most likely that the apology is insincere.
Remorse is the key here. Remorse is a genuine feeling of sorrow and distress that arises from the realization that one’s behavior has had harmful consequences, regardless of intent.
The biggest challenge to arrive at a sincere apology is finding the quality of remorse.
Who is served by an apology?
I don’t often (if ever) hear discussions about who apologies actually serve. However, for me, it’s a really important principle to be aware of.
Typically, we have the one giving the apology (the giver), and the one to whom the apology is given (receiver). And in my experience and research, it’s almost always the receiver that is portrayed as the one who benefits from the apology. That’s not how I see it at all.
I believe that the one who benefits most from offering an apology is the one who is apologizing. Why?
When a truly sincere apology is offered, it is the result of a lot of work in the heart of the individual. They have to see the mistake, take responsibility for it, hold themselves accountable, process feelings of guilt, shame, fear, sadness, regret, etc. leading to remorse, find willingness and desire to make amends or repair, and then find the courage, humility, and compassion to articulate the apology. All of that is transformative. To get to that point is significant.
For the one receiving an apology – at the moment the apology is made – usually, all they are receiving are words. Sure, there’s energy, heart, and emotional transmission as well, but truthfully, little has changed for the one receiving the apology – a lot has changed for the one offering the apology. (More to come on this.)
Why do I find this distinction helpful?
Have you ever sincerely apologized to someone because of something you did that you genuinely felt awful about, and after you said you were sorry, they said, “Oh, that’s okay… no apology needed.”? How did that feel?
If you were truly feeling responsible for your own actions, and that was the source of the remorse prompting your apology, then it likely felt a bit like you were shut down. Your sincere expression was batted away, not received. It doesn’t feel good.
However, if we understand this principle that an apology primarily serves or benefits the one offering it, then we can accept it as offered, because it’s not as much for us, as it is for the one offering it.
So, if someone apologizes to you, whether you need it or not, take a moment to remember what’s here. You don’t have to be hurt, offended, or damaged to receive an apology. It’s not for you… it’s for them. Learn to accept apologies like the gifts they are. It’s helpful to learn how to receive graciously, and if you’re the one doing the apologizing, you’ll appreciate that all the work you did to get to the point of offering it wasn’t in vain. Instead, let the apology do the work it’s meant to simply by letting it be offered graciously.
It can still feel sometimes that if we didn’t need the apology, then it’s unfair to the one apologizing if we don’t let them know what our experience was. And, if that arises in you, one approach that I’ve seen work is saying something like, “I accept your apology with so much compassion. Thank you. I didn’t notice within me any need for your apology, but I do hear what’s alive in you related to the situation and I receive your apology with kindness.”
What about accepting and receiving apologies?
Most often, we assume that when an apology is offered, it only does it’s work if it’s received. As demonstrated clearly in the last subheading, that’s not true because the greatest benefit is gained by the one offering the apology.
One of my core principles as it relates to apologies is that the one giving the apology must do so freely, with no expectation that it be heard, listened to, received, or accepted. That’s not how gifts work. If you give something to someone, you give it, and that’s the end of the story. (If giving is done in a healthy way, of course.) Do not presume that because you offer an apology, that it will be received or accepted. Any expectations you have in this regard betray the sincerity with which you say you’re offering the apology.
Conversely, the one to whom the apology is given would also do well to be aware that there is no obligation to hear, receive, or accept an apology. If you decide to do any of those things when an apology is offered, you are receiving a gift, which is, in turn, a gift to the giver. In this way, you both can be blessed by the gift. However, rest assured, you are under no obligation.
If the apologizer notices a need in them to be heard, to be received, to have their apology accepted – which are all natural and sacred needs which may arise – then, and only then, you may wish to make a request to get your needs met. That might sound like a simple, “Would you be willing to accept my apology?”
And what about forgiveness? Well, that’s a bit more of a complicated topic than I can fit succinctly here. For now, if forgiveness is something that feels healthy to request or give, then by all means, do so.
Words are not the same as Change
As I mentioned in the section on *The Recycled Apology,* I have seen some individuals who are masterful at apologizing – they say all the right words, with all the right tone, and all the right empathy, and all the right contrition, and all the right remorse, and all the right commitment to not make the mistake again, and all the right willingness to make amends – but nothing actually changes.
I coined a quote about this cycle which says:
Your skillful ability to apologize does not excuse your bad behavior.
It’s not the most elegant quote, but it gets the idea across.
The fulcrum where an apology begins to benefit the receiver is when the one apologizing makes changes, takes actions, learns, and/or whose observable behavior shifts so as to avoid making the same mistake in the same way again.
The behavior of one person I worked with recently would be harmful to the team of people they led, and when the impact of their behavior was shown to be harmful, they would sincerely feel remorse and would quickly empathize and apologize. Sometimes amends were made to correct the harm in the moment, often by offering sympathy and comfort. And without exception, the skillful apologies were followed up with the excuse, “I just don’t know how to lead a team; I’ve never done this before.”
It will likely come as no surprise that nothing was done to learn, grow, change, or educate the ignorance, and so similar mistakes were made time and time again, and the cycle would repeat.
Especially for highly sensitive people, those who have trauma, those who experience chronic shame, or those who have strong needs for compassion, this cycle quickly becomes abusive, even violent (usually emotionally or psychologically). It’s the exact cycle that those who physically beat their partners use to continue their bad behavior.
So then, what does a real apology look like?
I outlined the basics in a previous section, and I want to make it more clear here. The following is what I generally hold myself to when it comes to apologizing, and I’ll admit… this is something I aspire towards, not something I have completely in hand:
- Take responsibility for the behavior, with no defense, blame, excuses.
- Articulate understanding and empathy of the consequences of the behavior.
- Share what arose within you, as you became aware of the outcome or impact of the behavior.
- Be clear about your commitment to make amends, your action plan for education, steps you will take to correct, change, fix, repair, or make up for the behavior, and how these things will prevent the same thing from happening.
Let’s use an example scenario where I didn’t show up for a client’s coaching call and see, in brief, what a sincere and effective apology might sound like:
I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for our call. It was my responsibility to be there, and I wasn’t. I understand that you being there on the conference line, awaiting my arrival caused you a great deal of stress, concern, and anger. It’s very clear how my failure to be there on time, as scheduled, was really hurtful to you. I hold that with such understanding and compassion. That’s not at all what I desired for you – but that is exactly what happened. I feel awful about it and am committed to make it up to you, and also to make some adjustments so it doesn’t happen ever again.
I’d like to offer you [X,Y, Z offer] to make up for my mistake. I know I can’t make up for what you experienced. And still, I would like to offer this to help repair things. Can you share how this feels for you?
Also, here are a few things I’m going to shift in my calendar, my alarm system, and backups to ensure that this doesn’t happen again.
1. [list specific change]
2. [list specific change]
3. [list specific change]
It may also be good to note here, that this kind of apology is most effective when you’re dealing with fairly significant issues, mistakes, and disruptions. The apology ought to be commensurate with the degree of harm experienced by the other party, or the intensity to which you’re experiencing remorse.
Even in the example I shared above – missing a client session – might only need a sincere apology, some context (assuming it was an unforeseen circumstance), and some reassurance it will not happen again.
Apologies are handed out like candy these days. I share this matter of principle because I want to use my apologies more skillfully, offering them when they can truly bring healing and change for the good of all.
