What follows isn’t your grandma’s business advice (unless your grandma’s a rebellious badass, in which case, can we meet her?).

What you’re about to read is a raw, unfiltered accounting of abusive relationships – with people and capitalism – and how I’m transforming from a small-business puppet to the ringmaster of my own damn circus.

My story isn’t pretty. It’s not wrapped in a neat bow or sanitized for protection. It’s real, it’s rough, and it might just be a breath of fresh air in the way you think about business, marketing, and most importantly, yourself.

If you’ve ever felt like a square peg being hammered into a round hole as a small business owner, if you’ve looked in the mirror and wondered where the real you went, or if you’re just tired of feeling like a performing monkey in the corporate circus – this might resonate, or even reflect what you’re walking with.

This is more than a break-up letter to capitalism. It’s a love letter to my authentic self, a rallying cry for the sincere, and an intention for building a business that doesn’t cost me my soul. I’m ready to trade in my mask for the face I was born with. How ‘bout you?

Wanna take a walk with me? Let’s go.

Turns Out, It Was Anything But Romance.

A recent romantic relationship I was in… I was in love, and they were… well, they were in love with the idea of being loved.

I’ve come to understand that they had many narcissistic traits; they are a master of disguise, all charm, allure, and attraction on the surface, but beneath that, a black hole, a void that only craved my light.

They weren’t loving; they were feeding.

They were in limerence, the twisted cousin of love—a one-sided obsession, all fire and smoke but no warmth.

And there I was, caught in their orbit, trauma-bonded without even realizing it.

I was their lifeline, their fix.

I poured my love, my kindness, my very essence into them, unknowingly trying to fill a well that had no bottom.

But they were just a devilish vampire with a charming smile, a predator cloaked in pseudo-sincerity.

And I, the willing donor, giving my lifeblood to keep their hollow heart beating.

(Side Note: Studies show that being Autistic – as I am – significantly increases the risk of finding oneself in abusive relationships. (Pearson, Rose and Rees 2022))

When I finally realized the truth of who they were — I left. (Which of course, they weaponized against me.)

Thank heavens that particular experience only lasted a couple of years.

But then I saw it. The pattern had, and was, repeating in other relationships too.

The Devil Wears a Business Suit

As I reflected on this toxic personal relationship, I began to see parallels in other aspects of my life. The same patterns of giving too much, of losing myself, of trying to appease someone else while abandoning myself – they were all there, but on a much larger scale.

That’s when I realized: I’ve been in another toxic, abusive relationship for the past 35 years.

Only this time, it isn’t with a person—it’s with a system: capitalism.

Just as before, I had been sincerely in love. In love with the promises, the allure, the shine of creating a successful business that would let me do my best work – dangled before me like a carrot on a stick.

But just like before – capitalism and it’s systems of marketing and sales and consumption and constant demand didn’t love me back. It was just using me.

My ex used me for my depth, my attention, and my sincerity – all the while betraying us both. I gave my time and energy and heart without any genuine reciprocation – all the while abandoning myself.

It’s the same pattern in business – giving everything of myself, sacrificing the fullness of my being in an effort to make myself more marketable, and constantly chasing the next “love bomb” of revenue, all in the name of surviving in a system that is betraying us both.

I have given it my all: my time, my energy, my heart. And just like before, it takes and takes, leaving me hollowed out, wondering why the more I give, the emptier I feel.

(Note to self: Maybe lose the skill of being so masterfully good at being abused. Just an idea.)

And I’m not alone in this: according to one study, 68% of entrepreneurs reported feeling symptoms of burnout. To me, that sounds like 2/3 of entrepreneurs are in an abusive relationship with their businesses.

(I do want to be clear: I am not in burnout with ∞actualinfinity – not in the slightest. But I am in burnout with capitalism’s systemic abuse.  Yet again, to be clear: I am not a victim.  I am both a beneficiary and complicit this abusive system. I face that openly, for doing otherwise wouldn’t be honest.  No… this isn’t about resistance or “othering”, but a deep inner process of surrender to my heart and soul.)

Just as I shut the door on the abuse the last time, I’m doing it again.

Only this time, it’s not just an exit—it’s a metamorphosis.

Because that’s what happens when you leave a toxic relationship. The process is grueling, it shreds you, but somewhere in the wreckage, you find your transformation.

And this isn’t some quick wardrobe swap or a fresh haircut. No, this is deep. This is cellular. This is the kind of change that makes your DNA quiver and your soul stretch out like it’s waking up from a hundred-year nap.

I’m not just leaving. I’m evolving. I’m shedding the skin of a life lived for someone else’s profit, for a system that never truly saw me, only used me.

And as I step into my fresh, tender self, I feel the first stirrings of a new beginning—the kind that isn’t bound by someone else’s rules, someone else’s game.

I’m shedding my skin like a snake in the desert sun.

I’m vulnerably cracking open like a crab outgrowing its shell.

I’m emerging, butterfly-style, from a cocoon of conditioning.

And let me tell you, it’s messy. It’s scary. It’s fucking beautiful.

The Master of Disguise

For years—no, decades—I’ve been a master of disguise. A chameleon in a corporate jungle. An autistic kid playing a dangerous game of “Normal Human Bingo” just to survive. Literally.

Mask on. Smile bright. Don’t let them see the real you.

Because the real me? Oh dear one, that was a one-way ticket to Rejectionville, population: this guy.

My whole life, being authentically me was as dangerous as juggling chainsaws while riding a unicycle on a tightrope. Over a pit of hungry alligators. During a hurricane.

It was physically dangerous, mentally dangerous, emotionally dangerous, sexually dangerous, spiritually dangerous.

My very soul hung in the balance, condemned to eternal non-existence if I dared to be who I actually am, have needs, express my true self, have preferences, or say “no.”

The Art of Evasion

So, I learned to mask. To shape-shift. To become what I fondly call a “performing monkey.”

As an autistic person with a PhD in Human Behavior Observation (not a real degree, but damn, I earned it), I became the Meryl Streep of mimicry.

Not with the intent to deceive, but out of a primal need to avoid becoming alligator food.

I wasn’t deceiving. I was evading.

Evading danger.

Evading rejection.

Evading trauma.

Evading abuse

Evading the cosmic bitch-slap of being my true self in a world that wanted me to be anything but.

The Worthiness Wound

And you know what message got branded into my bones, seared into my synapses, tattooed on my goddamn soul as I grew up?

I was unworthy of love.

Unworthy of being loved.

Unworthy even at my most Oscar-worthy performance of “Regular Human Doing Regular Human Things to Appease Everyone’s Expectations.”

If anyone were to discover who I really was, I’d be abandoned faster than last week’s leftovers. Rejected not just by family and friends, but by the “Big Guy Upstairs” himself.

Talk about performance anxiety.

The Cracks in the Facade

But here’s the thing about masks: they crack. They slip. They suffocate.

They suffocate so tightly that, at times, you’re forced to lift them—just for a second—in a desperate gasp for one precious breath.

And in those moments of vulnerability, when the true self peeks through like a groundhog testing for spring, something magical happens. We glimpse our own divinity, our own worthiness, our own unshakeable connection to the Source of Love.

It’s like finding out you’ve been wearing Superman’s cape this whole time, but you thought it was a dorky bath towel.

I’m incredibly grateful that I’m no longer trapped in that fear-factory of constant hiding. I’ve shed so much of the conditioning that was force-fed to me as a young man like bland, overcooked emotional Brussels sprouts.

But my work isn’t done. Oh no, we’re just getting to the good part.

Capitalism: The Final Boss

There’s still some conditioning adhering to me like a clingy ex who doesn’t understand the meaning of “It’s not you, it’s me… and also, it’s definitely you.”

It’s the conditioning built upon and rooted in systems of violence and oppression—the very foundations of modern capitalism.

The kind of conditioning that says your worth is directly proportional to your productivity.

That your value as a human being can be summarized in a LinkedIn profile.

The kind of conditioning that pushes you to carve out a niche and flatten yourself into a marketable two-dimensional version that fits neatly into a box, stripping away the complexity of your full humanity.

Well, I call bullshit.

I. Am. Done.

I am desperate — no… not desperate… I am unyieldingly determined — to unlearn this toxic stew of “best practices” and “market strategies” and traditional business coach-y “this is the 1-2-3 formula to business success” that treats human beings like Tetris pieces to be neatly stacked and optimized.

And so, I plant my flag. I take my stand. I will die on this hill:

I no longer wish to do business the way I’ve been conditioned by every. business. coach. and program. out. there. says. I. have. to. do. it.

I will not flatten myself into a brochure to sell a service.

I will not constrict myself into a tiny box to be more “marketable.”

I will not abandon any part of myself in the pursuit of success.

Because I am worthy of more. And so are you, dammit.

The New Realm of Steve

This transformation is leading me to reimagine my entire approach to business.

My website will no longer be a flattened pamphlet, a mere slice of who I am. It’s going to be a whole damn bakery, with every flavor of Steve on display.

I’m creating a new realm—a digital Narnia where all aspects of me can coexist and flourish:

• • Spirituality (because we’re all a little magic)

• • Business (but make it ethical, and reflective of the whole human)

• • Neurodivergence (”It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.” – Jiddu Krishnamurti)

• • Nervous system health (more attending to, not escaping from)

• • Systems thinking (connect the dots, people)

• • Art (because life’s too short for beige walls)

• • Personal writings (unfiltered, unapologetic, vulnerable, risky)

• • The craft of a slow, quiet life (smell those roses, baby, and get comfortable with stillness)

This realm will be an invitation for all of me to walk with all of you. To move forward together in our lives and businesses with more love, not less – all-ways.💜™

This new realm will be counter to the style and pace that we’ve been conditioned into. Instead of fast, funneled, and furious, you’ll find that my approach and style will be slow, gentle, and gracious.

As I’ve described this vision to others on my support team, they’ve said things like, “Uh… Steve… have you met you? How is this different from what you do now?”

Sometimes the deepest transformations aren’t the ones which are externally visible. This might be more of an inside transformation… with only shimmers being visible from your perspective – but I assure you – the inside… the behind the curtain process and approach will become less aligned with the abusive conditioning we’ve all learned from all the regular heart-centered and hippy business guru guidance, and instead be only directed by sincere and genuine loving presence.

To be clear: I have NO IDEA how to do this. All I know is the ache in my heart and the slow death of my soul when I’m doing it the way I’m told. I’m too tuned into that pain now, and I can’t unsee how devastatingly harmful it is to me. The harm is more like heart disease than a heart attack – it’s slow and steady and builds over time. And I can feel the harm of capitalism in my veins and nerves and tissues – like a slowly building fungus.

I don’t know how to live into being IN the system of capitalism, but not being OF it… but sure as fuck am going to try.

And yes, I’ll still have offers. I’ll still do training. I still warmly invite you to share space with me, connecting with kindness – but only with the entirety of my being, and the entirety of yours.

I may re-open The Village at some point – to invite you closer in to witness and connect, and get support in any way you might need. But it won’t look like it once did.

And if you wish to come into my virtual home – there will be invitations to work one-on-one too.

There will be threads that look and feel familiar – but the way I show up, and how I structure things will transform.

I kindly and warmly invite you to walk with me. And if so, I in turn, will walk with you.

The Messy, Magical Middle

Now, I don’t have all the answers. I don’t know exactly how this will unfold or when. I’m not some guru on a mountain with a five-step plan to enlightenment. And dog knows, I am not in control of the timing. These things happen on some timeline that is way above my pay-grade.

I’m in the messy middle. The gooey center of the cosmic cinnamon roll. And you know what? It’s actually pretty awesome here. (You know I love me some tacos, but have I ever told you how much I love cinnamon rolls?)

[OMG… what if I invented cinnamon roll tacos? 🤯)

Because in this space of uncertainty and possibility, I’ve made some iron-clad decisions:

I will not reduce myself to fit someone else’s model of who I’m supposed to be in order to survive. I will not sacrifice my authenticity for the illusion of success. I will always strive to create space for the wholeness of others, just as I’m learning to do for myself.

This is my promise. This is my path. This is my metamorphosis.

Your Invitation to the Madness

(Madness is my nickname… as Don Byas said, ”You call it Madness, but I call it Love.”)

And if you feel called to join me on this journey of unbecoming and becoming, know this:

All of you is welcome here. All of me is welcome here.

Bring your quirks, your fears, your secret dreams that you’ve never dared to speak aloud. Bring your full, messy, magnificent self that wants and yearns and needs, and has no clue how to get to any of it.

Because that’s what this new realm of ∞actualinfinity is all about. It’s a place where we can:

• • Embrace our full selves – especially the dark corners with cobwebs

• • Flip the bird to toxic productivity

• • Learn to love our perfectly imperfect selves

• • Create businesses that feel like home, not prison

• • Understand that what we often view as ‘flaws’ are just aspects of ourselves that don’t fit the mold, but actually carry unique strengths and qualities.

The Revolution Starts Within

This isn’t just about business. This is about reclaiming our humanity in a world that’s trying to turn us all into efficient little cogs in a soulless machine.

It’s about remembering that we are vast, complex, contradictory beings. We contain multitudes, as Walt Whitman said.

So here’s my challenge to you, my invitation, my rally cry:

Dare to be all of you.

Dare to take up space.

Dare to believe that you are worthy, just as you are.

Dare to allow yourself to scream “NO” when you don’t consent to the abuse of this system.

Dare to not know how to change.

Because when we show up as our full selves, we give others permission to do the same. And that, my friends, is how we change the world.

One authentic, beautifully messy human at a time.

The Journey Continues

As I step into this new chapter, this metamorphosis, I invite you to come along for the ride. It won’t always be pretty. It might get a little “What?”

But I promise you this:

It will be real. It will be honest. It will be filled with more love than you ever thought possible.

So, are you ready to shed your old skin? To crack open that too-small shell? To spread those newly-dried wings and see how high we can fly?

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. And sometimes, that step is simply deciding to be unapologetically, authentically you.

Let’s take that step together.

With love, always more love,