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this site is under active construction. feel free to browse around and see what’s new. expect for things not to work, links to be broken, and design to look wonky on various devices. thanks for visiting!
hello
the man you see smiling back at you?
he’s living proof that your deepest wounds can become your greatest gifts.
but it wasn’t always this way.
I sat there before them – five men in dark suits, sitting in judgement. their words hung in the air like smoke: “we believe you are a wicked man.”
that was the moment I lost everything.
my family.
my friends.
my entire community.
all because I spoke my truth.
February 1, 2007. the day I was cast out of the only world I’d ever known. the day I chose authenticity over acceptance. the day i lost my religion but found my heart and soul.
that moment could have destroyed me, and almost did.
see, I know what it’s like to rebuild yourself from the ground up…
to question everything you ever thought you knew…
to face the abyss of unworthiness and shame
and then find your way back to love…
to discover that your deepest wounds can become your greatest gifts.
I’ve learned that healing isn’t just about overcoming trauma – it’s about dismantling shame and reclaiming your power; that spirituality isn’t about following rules – it’s about aligning with the heart of love; that success isn’t about performing for others – it’s about showing up as your whole, authentic self.
now, I spend my days walking with and guiding other beautiful souls as they navigate their own transformations. not by telling them who to be, but by helping them simply remember who they already are. not by fixing what’s “broken,” but by honoring their whole being exactly as it is.
this is the work that sets us free. this is the path that leads us home.
and this is why I invite you to walk with me together. if you’re reading these words, feeling something stir in your soul, know that you’re not alone. the difficulties, challenges, and struggles you’re facing do not mean you are doing it wrong. they are your greatest stepping stones.
I’m Steve, and this is my story of transformation.
it wasn’t neat.
it sure wasn’t easy.
and that’s exactly what makes it powerful.
you see, before that moment of judgment, I’d spent decades trying to be perfect.
as an autistic child carrying the weight of sexual abuse that continued through my teens, I learned early that safety meant becoming invisible.
that worth meant performing.
that love meant never making a mistake.
perfection wasn’t a choice – it was survival.
as I became an ordained minister 1986, I channeled the drive to please others – into trying to please God. I gave sermons to crowds of 14,000. I served at the world headquarters of my religion. I was an elder, a leader, a happily married man who had it all figured out.
or so I thought.
beneath the surface, shame was eating me alive. and every accomplishment – from building successful businesses to becoming an Operations Director at Ameriprise Financial – was just another attempt to prove my worth.
then came the annihilation.
at 35, I faced a truth I could no longer deny.
I am gay.
speaking those words out loud cost me everything I’d built.
my wife of 13 years.
my family.
every friend I held close.
my entire support system.
all of it was gone overnight.
but here’s what I didn’t expect:
in losing it all, I found myself.
in being cast out, I found my way home.
in facing my deepest shame, I found my greatest strength.
the journey wasn’t linear. there were dark nights. hard drugs. depression. two separate spiritual communities that welcomed me in, only to cast me out again when I dared to question their ethics.
but each time I fell, I learned to rise differently.
each rejection taught me to love myself more fiercely.
each wound became a wellspring of wisdom.
I became obsessed with dismantling the shame that had worn deep grooves through my heart like wagon wheels in hard, dry earth.
with that dismantling came new awareness about the conditioning I was living within – like a hypnosis – where thoughts, ideas, and beliefs I wasn’t even aware of had been implanted in me.
I was deconstructing everything: business and capitalism, sexuality and relationship, religion and spirituality, psychology and trauma.
eventually, I became certified in polyvagal theory. studied somatic trauma therapy. got a certificate in somatic parts work, dove deep into the neuroscience of healing. learned to embrace my neurodivergence, my autism, my sensitivity – not as flaws to fix, but as challenges to navigate and even gifts to cherish.
today, I bring all of it – the wounds and the wisdom, the falls and the rises, the expansion and the contractions, professional expertise and the personal transformation – to my work with others who are ready to write a new story.
isn’t dogma or doctrine.
it’s not rules or expectations.
it’s something deeper.
something truer.
it’s love.
not the greeting-card kind.
not the conditional kind.
but a love that’s warm, merciful, and fierce in its sincerity.
a love that moves from sovereignty and surrender.
a love that transforms everything it touches.
not as some fuzzy concept, but as our deepest guidance system. the heart knows. the heart leads. the mind follows. when we stay anchored here, shame loses its grip.
creating space where you can be exactly as you are. where your sensitivity is sacred. where your differences are divine. where your struggles are stepping stones.
recognizing that every being, every experience, every moment is a face of the Divine. even the hard ones. especially the hard ones.
the antidote to attachment, the enemy of shame, the doorway to freedom. curiosity opens what judgment closes. it transforms what resistance holds rigid.
not the surface kind, but the soul-deep kind. the kind that holds space for all of you. the kind that honors your journey exactly as it is. the kind that remembers who you really are. all with the remembrance that we are in relationship with everything – the animate and inanimate all around us. Everything is about our relationship with it.
this isn’t just philosophy.
this isn’t just business.
this is how we heal.
this is how we grow.
this is how we transform.
this is how we come home to ourselves.
I’ve walked alongside thousands of stunning humans as they’ve navigated their own transformations. through my coaching practice, I’ve supported more than 2,400 beautiful souls – from brand new business owners to those running companies with millions in revenue.
but the numbers only tell part of the story.
what matters most is how we get there: with heart. with presence. with curiosity. with profound respect for your journey.
especially if you’re:
I bring more than professional expertise – though there’s plenty of that.
certified in polyvagal theory, experienced with somatic trauma healing, and certified with integrative parts work. over 15 years running my own successful business. decades of experience in business operations, HR, sales, and leadership.
but what truly matters, and what makes all the difference with your own transformation is walking through it together:
I know how to hold space for all of you.
I know how to walk the path of transformation.
I know how to guide you home to yourself.
ready to explore working with me?
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Steve Mattus and ∞actualinfinity are anti-racism, support Black Lives Matter, AAPI, Indigenous, and LGBTQIA2S+ communities, pro-Trans, and renounce all forms of violence.
The information in the footer is meant only to inform you of where I stand on issues I consider important. It has no bearing on my qualifications or worthiness as a practitioner or business owner.
∞actualinfinity is located in Shikaakwa – the Algonquin name for Chicago – which is on the traditional unceded homelands of the Ojibwe, Kiikaapoi, Bodéwadmiakiwen (Potawatomi), Myaamia, Hoocak (Ho-Chunk), and Peoria indigenous tribes and people, which was violently stolen and colonized from them.
