I wrote much of what follows back in 2017 after someone I used to deeply respect wrote a piece about there being a healthy aspect to shame.
I’m sharing it here now, because I recently learned that someone I’ve held in high esteem from a nervous system education perspective is promoting the idea that shame can be either healthy or toxic.
I’m not throwing the baby out with the bath water, and so I’m not changing my perspective of the person… I’m simply holding them with a bit more groundedness – everyone (including me) has the capacity to hold some truly whack-a-doodle perspectives.
This is a reminder to keep everyone who you consider a teacher (including me, if you view me that way) on ground level – putting anyone on a pedestal is harmful.
Of course, it was no surprise to me when I learned that neither of the people I’m referring to lived with shame growing up. So, when you don’t come from a place of having lived experience in deep shame – you don’t know.
Since a critical part of regulating with the nervous system is de-shaming… I wanted to share the article I wrote 7+ years ago.
It was written as a complete deconstruction of the harmful article that was written by the colleague I mentioned earlier so if it sounds like I’m referring to another article, or what someone else said, it’s because I was. The premise of the article I was dismantling was this: Shame is healthy when it leads to remorse.
And that is basically what the nervous system practitioner I referred to was saying too.
Sorry folks… this perspective is harmful.
Here is the article and my explanation as to why.
Shame is never healthy. It is toxic, poison, violent and destructive. All-ways.
Why do I believe this to be true? I believe shame is inextricably linked to a person’s essence, delivering the message, “You are broken, your essence is bad, and you are unworthy of love or belonging.”
There are two parts to the message shared there:
- You did the wrong thing.
- You are broken, bad and unworthy of love or belonging.
Both of those parts are what make up the experience of shame.
The toxic part can’t simply be magically removed and it still be called shame. Even in the statement itself there is a cause/effect (you did wrong *because* you are bad). I believe that, when dealing with the experience of shame, the two parts are inseparable, and therefore toxic.
Some people these days like to conflate shame with remorse, saying they’re the same experience. That is absolutely untrue.
Healthy shame is not remorse.
Remorse is remorse.
Two very different words and meanings – in definition, culturally, and in how they’re used. And I’m going to throw in another word that is often used in relationship to these concepts – guilt.
Shame: I’m a bad person; I’m broken, and unworthy of love or belonging.
Remorse: I feel bad about what I did, regret what I did, and realize it was (wrong, harmful, unhealthy, dangerous, etc…. use whatever word suits the situation).
Guilt: I did the (bad, wrong, etc.) thing.
Unfortunately practitioners who are espousing that shame is healthy simply don’t have the emotional and somatic vernacular to accurately describe these concepts.
Shame is a somatic experience that not only dissolves any potential connective force in nervous system regulation, it infects and lives in the tissues of our body. It can lead to remorse, which is how we help clear it, but shame is not about doing right or wrong.
Shame can exist with or without doing anything, and can arise from within, or be planted in us from others. This is why it’s toxic poison, and why if you hear any practitioner talking about “healthy shame,” it serves as an immediate red flag for me.
Remorse is also a somatic experience that helps move one from the heart to change. Remorse, although challenging and uncomfortable, can be deeply transformative.
Guilt is not a somatic experience – it’s a mental one. It’s an acknowledgement, a story, and a part of the accountability process.
These are three completely different concepts.
How shame gets introduced in our system
I also want to acknowledge that shame often presents itself in one of two ways:
- Personal, situational shame – this is when you have an experience and have a personal, internal sense of feeling guilt and shame. “I did this or that and, oh no, I’m a horrible person for having done that.” Hopefully, this thought quickly moves to remorse and turns into, “I feel so bad for having done that and I want to make amends.” The process is healthy. The healing is healthy. The shame itself is not. That’s why it’s so important to transform it into remorse – removing the toxic aspect of being disconnected from your innate goodness.
- Weaponized shame that comes from others, institutions and systems. This is the kind of shame that is especially violent and insidious. This kind of shame is utilized by those who abuse others, and is inherent within the systems of racism, classism, sexism, ageism, ableism, capitalism, white supremacy, etc. This kind of shame often first shows up in life through our parents, trying to get us to behave, or help them feel powerful.
It is never acceptable for one individual or any system to bring shame to another human. This is violent and abhorrent in my perception. (Yes, I’m using an absolute very intentionally.)
Regardless of how shame comes to you, it’s so incredibly important that it be faced – your heart held with love and compassion, so it can be healed as quickly as possible. Saying “shame is never healthy” doesn’t mean it ought to be bypassed, missed, hidden from, or avoided. To heal anything, it must be faced. And since shame is so prevalent in this world, it’s important that we learn how to heal it, and facilitate the healing process, not adding to it by shaming others (directly or indirectly).
Shame can be a doorway to healing. But that doesn’t make it healthy. I never want to be the one who builds the doorway of shame for another to have to heal from.
If it arises within me… isn’t it serving me?
Some people suggest that difficult emotions like fear, loneliness, and even shame must serve some higher purpose or be in service of our greater good. After all, fear alerts us to danger, loneliness can nudge us toward connection, and remorse can help us change course and repair harms.
However, I contend that shame is different. While other challenging states may have some adaptive purpose, shame strikes at the very core of a person’s sense of self-worth and belonging. Its message erodes our most basic human need to feel valued and deserving of love.
Shame often arises from unjust social systems and interpersonal harms like abuse, prejudice, exclusion, and emotional violence. In those cases, the purpose is clearly to disempower rather than uplift. But even when shame originates internally, it leads to a state of disconnection from self and community, rather than growth.
Unlike healthy remorse and accountability, shame blocks empathy and fractures relationships. It is pain without purpose – keeping vital healing wisdom out of reach.
While all inner states have the potential to guide us, shame’s essential nature is toxicity, not service. Where shame takes root, goodness struggles to blossom. It poisons our innate seed of human dignity.
Our shared longing as people is to feel worthy, connected, and loved. Shame stands in direct opposition to this yearning. It serves no constructive end, only corrosion of the spirit. The wisdom is not in shame itself, but in rising up to reject it – coming home to the truth of our belonging.
I know shame.
I have experienced deep shame for the vast majority of my life – from the moment I was born into this world, until just fifteen years ago, I lived in a swamp of shame. It’s who I was and how I came to know myself. It came from within, it came from my parents. It came from the cult I was raised in. It came from almost every “friend” I knew. I know it more intimately than I can even express.
I used to live with shame every single day. I used to sleep under a blanket of shame and I walk with it as my companion every day. It was always there whispering, “You are not enough; you are unworthy; you are broken.” EVERY day.
Shame is never healthy.
I know a lot of people who experience shame. I read it in their emails, listen to it on calls, and can feel it in their hearts.
I want to tell each of you that I understand. I really get how that feels. Shame NEVER feels like anything but how horribly unlovable and unworthy of goodness we are.
Please, please, please know that you are always lovable and worthy.
You don’t have to be anything other than who you are right this moment to be lovable and worthy.
Lots of people will shame you into thinking that if you don’t post something on social media when there’s a disaster or war or some horrific event, you’re somehow unworthy. Please don’t believe them – it’s not true. Trust me, once you post something on social media, they’ll shame you into doing something else.
Please… Do all that you can to bring goodness into the world and help love triumph over hate. All-ways. And know, despite what anyone will tell you, that when you’re doing all you can in each moment – whatever that is – you are deserving and worthy of all the love available.
If you find ways that you could have done better, then allow yourself to feel remorse and an even deeper sense of grief, perhaps. This is healthy, and it is from this place that we can find the deeply rooted strength needed to grow and do more in a healthy way, that doesn’t hurt us or others.
If you’re feeling shame – I know it doesn’t feel healthy. That’s because it’s not. Don’t embrace it as such.
I view shame like chemotherapy. That shit’s toxic. And, you might come out cancer free on the other side, but there is no denying the poisonous and toxic effects – they take a toll.
If you are experiencing feelings of shame, remember that your core essence remains untouched – even when it doesn’t feel like it. Focus inward to find your innate goodness and self-worth, which reside within your heart – that place of purity and inner light inside each of us. See your heart, and everyone’s heart, as an unbreakable home to the wholeness and sacredness at the center of every person. Connect to that inner part of yourself that is always whole and worthy. Cherish and nurture that inner light of essential goodness as an anchor.
And, when you’re in shame, the admonition in that previous paragraph can feel impossible to do. So, that’s where co-regulation comes into play. Reach out to someone you trust and ask to be held in true presence – no advice, no fixing, no nothing, except witness, compassion, empathy, and love.
And, if you can’t connect to your essence or ask for support, that’s okay too.
Rest in the fact that Love hasn’t given up on you. Neither have I.