Hello and welcome to the ∞actualinfinity Podcast. Welcome to the Madness.

Why do I use that name, “Madness”? It’s my nickname, actually. And there are a lot of really beautiful quotes about madness—like how there is genius in madness. One of my favorites is actually behind me: “The madness of love is one of heaven’s greatest blessings.”

So, how did I get that nickname? Back when Siri on the iPhone first started, it tried to pronounce my last name, Mattus, but instead, it said “Madness.” And so, I kind of adopted it. It’s actually pretty fitting for my experience in life. There’s a lot of madness that I can just embrace and be with—in my body, in my mind, and in my experience.

So, welcome to the Madness.

This episode probably looks a little different than my normal ones. I wanted to come on here and confess—not to a sin, but to a reality.

I did it again. And I almost can’t believe that I did it again. But I did it again.

What did I do? I got all professional.

I like things that are shiny and look all put together, but it’s 7:00 in the morning. I woke up at 5:30 this morning, which I normally do. I usually wake up between 4:00 and 5:00 AM naturally. And I realized that I’m doing it again—what I tend to do—which is to create…

(Side note: I hope this is recording. This is my first time using this new software, and this is messy.)

I haven’t brushed my teeth, I haven’t combed my hair, I haven’t shaved. I don’t have presentation attire on. I don’t have a script. I just turned on the camera because this is what I always intended for my podcast.

I never meant for it to be a teaching or educational podcast. I meant it to be a personal invitation. I meant it to be messy—because life is messy. Experience just happens, and it doesn’t always fit into these refined little boxes we create on the Internet. It’s unexpected, surprising, and chaotic.

I’m a 52-year-old gay dude, and I’m autistic. I have a lot of things around autism that make life difficult. And right now, I’m trying not to mask while I’m recording.

I have a lot of training in professional speaking—I’ve spoken in front of 14,000 people before. And I love it. It’s still one of my favorite things to do, even though I don’t do it often anymore. Too many people. But I could sit here and deliver a really good presentation.

Instead, I just want to be autistically me—unmasked. I want to move the way I move. I’m fidgety, and I do my things. I want to show up and talk about presence, awareness, consciousness, connectedness, love, and doing something in a world that is done in the midst of all of this.

That’s what feels genuine to me. That’s what I really want.

It’s different. But what I’m hoping to do from now on is this—I might still put the pretty packaging on it. I might do the little voice thingamajigger, the subtitles, all that stuff. Because I like that. I like technology. I’m using this tool called Descript, and it’s really cool. (I’ll put a link in the show notes.)

But life doesn’t show up—consciousness doesn’t show up—love doesn’t show up in pretty little boxes with bows tied on them.

Love shows up like this.

It’s not always palatable. It doesn’t always meet our expectations. But this is the real thing. And I want this podcast to be the real thing.

I don’t want it to be a show. Who needs a show? We have so many shows. We don’t need that anymore.

What we need is reality.

What we need is presence.

And am I really conveying presence? Am I transmitting presence? Am I bringing presence if I’m reading off a script? What about speaking from my heart?

I hope this speaks to you. And if it doesn’t, that’s okay too. But hopefully, we can connect.

I’m going to do my very best. It’s super scary for me to unmask and be me—because I’ve been performing my entire life.

It’s been a long journey. I faced an enormous amount of abuse as a child—sexual, physical, all kinds. Not in my family, but because I was autistic, I was sent away to basically have the autism squeezed out of me.

And that’s what I’m trying to unwind.

I don’t know that I’ve ever really done this on camera quite like this before. So thank you for being here with me.

I look forward to the next episode. And honestly, that feels like an appropriate word—because we have episodes, right?

Like, I had an episode. [Laughter]

People talk about having an episode when they get sick or have a breakdown.

So that feels appropriate.

In the next episode, I’m going to flip on my camera, talk, connect, and maybe bring something of value. Maybe not. That’s not dependent on me—that’s dependent on what you think.

But thank you for being here. I really appreciate it.

I wish you more love, not less – all-ways.

Bye for now.